Trusting and Being Lonely Anyway

Making my way through the motions of ignoring

Is the same as waiting for the bad to get better

But now it’s too late to mend content incomprehension

So I’m waiting for the pain to forget its old sadness

And I’m hoping someday I’ll figure out how to be okay

But today happiness lives only in my dreams

And I’m much too sad to fall asleep

Because you set fire to my whole room

And I can’t explain it because no matter how much I want to talk about it

There is nothing I’m not afraid to say to someone like you right now

Every little thing is reminding me of the tears that won’t leave my eyes

I was never as good at letting go as I was at managing these things

So now I’m wishing you would pretend this all never happened

Oh, won’t you leave me some semblance of peace in this life?

Oh, I don’t want what used to be red to stay this blue

But how do I let go of what you refuse to

If there’s a god out there somewhere, way up in the sky

Do you think he’s making more popcorn or turning down the sound on us

Or is he just a sad old man hanging his head in shame

Wondering if it was even worth the magic he wasted in those seven days

After you caught me off guard, rewind and you wrote my name on your heart

Photo by Joints Creative on Unsplash

I still wear the stains of you like a dress my heart bled on cause you won’t forget me

I mean, I’m no Magic! And I’m no Bowie, but at least I’m your Queen.

But don’t you recall the days and the midnights when everything was good and right?

Because I don’t seem to know why all of that had to die the way it did.

Wiping the storm cloud off of a sculpted frown is easier said than done- it can’t-

I can’t relight the flame you put out and my heart doesn’t want to try again

And that’s why my feelings for you are more complex than a Nintendo game

The thing is I was swimming in your ocean, actually just starting to tread water.

But you pulled the plug and you drained my pool because it meant nothing to you

In that rare moment that for god’s sake it actually mattered. It should have.

Photo by Matt Hardy on Unsplash

I won’t ask you not to leave me in the shallows alone, but let me ask you:

Even though I’m dying to know the truth, I won’t ask where the sense wandered off to.

But let me ask when you decided not to care about me anymore-

When did us become you?

Just don’t tell me if it was an easy decision to make. I already have my answer.

Don’t you see that I can’t live in a haunted house finding all your trap doors

I tried to teach myself to love all the nothingness but that outlet’s busted

When you put me on a pedestal and you keep me on a throne

Just to knock me down, drag me around, take the crown, and lock me up

I know wise is the optimist but I just see him spinning round and round

With an ear to the sun and the silence in the skies above is deafening to me.

I’ve had enough and this time enough means I won’t take any more

Which means even when all the emotions are raining down I’m done.

Thank you for reading this poem. It’s about something I’ve been trying to find the right words to say for a while now, so I’m glad I finally got these words to come together. Let me know what you think of it.

I write poetry, prose, and personal pieces. All images are mine unless indicated otherwise. Feel free to leave feedback on my work anytime; I hope you enjoy.

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