Trophy
A Torrent of Emotion in One Poem
I ADMIT IT, YOU WON
YOU BROKE ME LIKE A GLASS AND THEN YOU REALIZED
ALL OF ME WAS MADE OF PAPER SO YOU SHREDDED THE PIECES DOWN TO YOUR OWN SIZE
BUT YOU DIDN’T STOP THERE I GUESS YOU COULDN’T STOP BY THEN
BECAUSE I HAD ALREADY LET YOU ASSUME FULL CONTROL OF MY MIND
EVEN THOUGH EVERYDAY YOU DID YOUR BEST TO HURT ME
AND YOU SWORE TO ME THAT YOU COULD NEVER HAVE CARED
SO JUST TO PROVE THAT I WAS WRONG
WHEN I SAW THROUGH WHAT YOU WANTED US TO THINK
THAT YOU WERE YOU LEFT THE PIECES TO ROT.
WELL GUESS WHAT- I TOOK THOSE PIECES,
I THREW THEM INTO THE INFERNO THAT USED TO BE A BRIDGE
AND I WENT BACK TO THE PATH I WAS ALWAYS MEANT TO BE ON
AND NOW THERE IS BLOOD WHERE LOVE USED TO LIVE BUT AT LEAST NOW
I UNDERSTAND THAT YOU WEREN’T DEVOTED TO ME LIKE I WAS TO YOU
AND THAT ALL THOSE YEARS AS MY VERY BEST FRIEND MEANT NOTHING AT ALL
I UNDERSTAND WHO YOU REALLY ARE
I GET IT NOW; I UNDERSTAND NOW
WHY EVERY TIME YOU SAW THE SUN YOU CHOSE TO TORTURE ME THAT YEAR,
I LOOK AT THE SCARS NOW AND I KNOW THAT YOU HAVE SCARS TOO
I REMEMBER THE DAY I SNAPPED AND LASHED OUT AT YOU
BECAUSE I WANTED YOU TO FEEL ALL THAT YOU MADE ME FEEL-
I WANTED TO MAKE YOU FEEL WHAT YOU MADE ME FEEL,
TO THROW YOU UNDER THE BUS YOU DUMPED ON ME,
TO PUSH WHAT YOU SENT AROUND RIGHT BACK AROUND- BUT NOW I KNOW
THAT YOU ALREADY DID FEEL IT ALL BECAUSE IN FACT IT WAS THE WOUNDS YOU SUFFERED YOURSELF
THAT MADE UP A GENESIS POINT.
HURT IN INDESCRIBABLE WAYS ON TOO MANY LEVELS FOR THE WORLD’S TALLEST LADDER
BETRAYAL, ANGER, SADNESS, CONFUSION, SELF-LOATHING, RESENTMENT, SELF-PITY.
IT’S A HUGE BURDEN TO HAVE FORCED UPON YOU
AND WHEN I PICTURE YOU AS A CHILD I SEE MYSELF BY YOUR SIDE AND
BECAUSE YOU WERE A SISTER TO ME EVEN IN WAYS THE DAUGHTERS OF MY PARENTS WERE NOT
I HAVE EMPATHY FOR YOU I KNOW YOUR STORY AND
IT MAKES ME WANT TO HOLD YOU CLOSE AND
FORGET THAT YOU TOOK THE LAST OPPORTUNITY- OR HUNDREDS I SHOULD SAY-
TO RIDDLE MY BEING WITH EXPLOSIVES BECAUSE YOU NEEDED TO LASH OUT
AND YOU SAW THE PILLAR OF VULNERABILITY REACHING OUT A HAND
AS SOON AS YOU REALIZED I WAS A TARGET PAINTED AND PRIMED FOR YOU
BECAUSE YOU HAD THE KEYS TO ALL MY DOORS
I GET IT NOW BUT I DIDN’T GET IT THEN
I KNEW SO LITTLE THEN
AND YOU MUST HAVE BEEN FAR MORE CUNNING THAN I GAVE YOU CREDIT FOR
BECAUSE YOU PREYED ON MY NAIVETY AS IF YOU WERE A CAT AND I WAS A BOWL OF MEOW MIX.
I NEVER SAW WHAT YOU WERE REALLY DOING- NO I MADE EXCUSES FOR YOU
TIME AND TIME AND TIME AND TIME AND TIME AND TIME AGAIN
BECAUSE I SAW YOU AS PRECIOUS AND I WAS CONSUMED BY MY NEED
TO AVOID CONFRONTATION, I SO DESPERATELY CRAVED THE ACCEPTANCE I’D BEEN SO OVERWHELMINGLY DENIED,
AND ALL I WANTED TO DO WAS PLEASE YOU. I GOT SO CAUGHT UP
AND SATISFYING ALL THE DEMANDS YOU THREW TO MY FEET OR SHOVED DOWN MY THROAT
THAT I FORGOT I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE TAKING CARE OF SOMEONE ELSE TOO-
ME AND MY GOD DID I EVER NEED IT- I WAS ONLY JUST TASTING BREATHS OF LIFE-
I WAS GROWING BEFORE YOU RELEASED THE TORMENTING HELLFIRES TO DRIVE ME INTO THE DIRT
I WAS REALIZING I WAS NOT CONDEMNED TO WHAT WAS REALISTIC,
I WAS NOT BURDENED BY WHAT WAS THE CASE THEN NO!
I WAS RISING FROM THE ASHES OF ALL THAT HAD BEFELL ME BEFORE YOUR EVILS
AND I WAS CREATING MY OWN MAGIC BUT I NEEDED ALL THE HELP I COULD GET
AND THAT HELP I GOT REALLY WAS NONE IN THE END I COULD FEEL THE STING
WHEN YOU SLAMMED LIDS ON ALL MY DREAMS AND LEFT BRUISES
FROM THE BRUTAL TEARING AWAY -BRUISES RIGHT IN THE PALM OF MY HANDS
THAT WERE NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING WHEN I GAZED WITH HORROR FOR THE FIRST TIME
UPON MY SORE HEART AND SOUL. THEY WERE SUCH UGLY MONSTERS
AND ALL I KNEW WAS THAT THEY USED TO BE GOOD
YOU DIDN’T WANT TO LET SOMETHING GOOD COME
YOU WANTED TO STEAL IT SO YOU COULD LAUGH IN ALL OUR FACES
AND STOMP ALL OVER US AND THEN CRUSH IT TOO
BECAUSE YOU HAD TO SHOW THAT THERE IS NO SAFETY
FOR SOMEONE WHO CARES ABOUT SOMETHING IN THIS WORLD
BECAUSE ALL THAT GETS YOU IS HURTING AND NO HEALING
BECAUSE THERE ISN’T AN ANTIDOTE FOR THE POISON
THAT LEAKS FROM YOUR SMILE LIKE OIL INTO THE OCEAN
OR AT LEAST THAT’S WHAT I THOUGHT BUT I WAS WRONG
BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT AN ALMIGHTY WEAPON AND
TURNS OUT THERE IS A CURE AFTER ALL AND
IT DOESN’T EVEN TASTE AS BITTER AS THE THOUGHTS THAT LAY ROOTS IN YOUR MIND
MAYBE YOU WON BUT YOU KNOW WE BOTH LOST
AND NOW I KNOW THAT IN THE END YOU FAILED-
YOU WERE NO CHAMPION IN DESTROYING ALL THE GOOD THINGS
AND ALL THE BRIGHT THE HAPPY THE LIVING THE LOVING THE KIND
EVEN MORE THAN YOU FAILED ME, YOU FAILED YOURSELF
DID YOU BUILD A TROPHY
WITH THE PIECES OF ME
AND WHEN YOU LIE DOWN IN THE DARK NIGHT DOES THE GOLD GLIMMER ENOUGH
TO ENSURE YOU’RE BLIND TO EVERYTHING THAT’S REAL FOR US
did tearing me down really build you up
Thanks for reading this long poem full of pain. This comes from a very real place for me as I work through my emotions through writing.
…BRD…
