I see you in dated Polaroid frames chasing after a new girl,

Younger than me and prettier than me, her eyes sparkle

And thanks to you, mine carry the weight of a soul’s death

Her smile screams I have nothing at all to be insecure about,

Not a worry plaguing my heart- you’ve yet to snatch from her

All the happiness, the hope, and whatever else you stole from me

A blink of an eye later, it’s like you never waltzed through my door

So right now I’m sitting all by myself just like I always wanted

But I still turn you over in my mind when I pass your street

Sometimes I wonder if you still believe the death of your perfection

Rode in astride a white horse all thanks to me, your obsession.

A sick part of me painted in the marks you left sure hopes so

Because good riddance to any ego that drowns out every “no.”

Never did the word “sorry” cross your lips, I guess it was implied

Because every time you looked at me, I saw flashing stop signs

Like every time I came around you couldn’t help but stare.

I wonder if the new girl has been caught in your headlights yet,

I know I am whenever a dark car passes by, but it’s never you.

Sometimes I drive like there’s no tomorrow to think about,

Pretend I’m really shopping for my future dream house

All the while knowing I’m scoping out a place in the ground

But never knowing exactly where my mind is going with this.

Coming up on three years later, I just don’t understand

Why the universe was okay making a monster into a man

Why I was the one running at first sight, locking myself up

Even if it was just for a minute in a bathroom stall to sob.

In other words, how dare you be quite alright to fall asleep

Every night knowing you are the only reason I am not?

And maybe all my friends have gotten tired of your name,

Here’s hoping they find a way to spit it out, wash it down.

It must be so much easier to excise someone else’s ghost.

There’s nothing, I’ve learned, like hearing hateful voices

When you’re all alone ensuring old wounds never close

The one thing I can’t imagine is what it might feel like

To be the one speaking, I can’t fathom being the knife

After a lifetime of being the toast, so how does it feel?

Photo by Andrik Langfield on Unsplash

Honestly, I don’t care if your words meant nothing at all or if they did,

Because no matter what I know some of them were war crimes,

And I know every dagger you held you plunged into me- compensation

I’ve crossed the street so many times I’ve begun to forget your voice

Victory still isn’t mine, though- your laughter is a crescendo over all noise.

If you leave the new girl as brutalized, victimized, broken, shattered as me

Tell her to invest in a good pair of earbuds and a good pair of sneakers.

Tell her I too was a rainbow before you cast me in stone

And tell her nothing about you is entitled to become her forever.

Nothing about you is entitled to touch my forever from a mile away.

Thank you so much for reading this poem. If you enjoyed it, you might like this one too:

…BRD…

I write poetry, prose, and personal pieces. All images are mine unless indicated otherwise. Feel free to leave feedback on my work anytime; I hope you enjoy.

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