I see you in dated Polaroid frames chasing after a new girl,
Younger than me and prettier than me, her eyes sparkle
And thanks to you, mine carry the weight of a soul’s death
Her smile screams I have nothing at all to be insecure about,
Not a worry plaguing my heart- you’ve yet to snatch from her
All the happiness, the hope, and whatever else you stole from me
A blink of an eye later, it’s like you never waltzed through my door
So right now I’m sitting all by myself just like I always wanted
But I still turn you over in my mind when I pass your street
Sometimes I wonder if you still believe the death of your perfection
Rode in astride a white horse all thanks to me, your obsession.
A sick part of me painted in the marks you left sure hopes so
Because good riddance to any ego that drowns out every “no.”
Never did the word “sorry” cross your lips, I guess it was implied
Because every time you looked at me, I saw flashing stop signs
Like every time I came around you couldn’t help but stare.
I wonder if the new girl has been caught in your headlights yet,
I know I am whenever a dark car passes by, but it’s never you.
Sometimes I drive like there’s no tomorrow to think about,
Pretend I’m really shopping for my future dream house
All the while knowing I’m scoping out a place in the ground
But never knowing exactly where my mind is going with this.
Coming up on three years later, I just don’t understand
Why the universe was okay making a monster into a man
Why I was the one running at first sight, locking myself up
Even if it was just for a minute in a bathroom stall to sob.
In other words, how dare you be quite alright to fall asleep
Every night knowing you are the only reason I am not?
And maybe all my friends have gotten tired of your name,
Here’s hoping they find a way to spit it out, wash it down.
It must be so much easier to excise someone else’s ghost.
There’s nothing, I’ve learned, like hearing hateful voices
When you’re all alone ensuring old wounds never close
The one thing I can’t imagine is what it might feel like
To be the one speaking, I can’t fathom being the knife
After a lifetime of being the toast, so how does it feel?
Honestly, I don’t care if your words meant nothing at all or if they did,
Because no matter what I know some of them were war crimes,
And I know every dagger you held you plunged into me- compensation
I’ve crossed the street so many times I’ve begun to forget your voice
Victory still isn’t mine, though- your laughter is a crescendo over all noise.
If you leave the new girl as brutalized, victimized, broken, shattered as me
Tell her to invest in a good pair of earbuds and a good pair of sneakers.
Tell her I too was a rainbow before you cast me in stone
And tell her nothing about you is entitled to become her forever.
Nothing about you is entitled to touch my forever from a mile away.
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