Brianna R Duffin

Table of Contents:

  1. Cross My Heart
  2. My Story
  3. Risk
  4. Green
  5. Desperate
  6. Big Reputation
  7. TRUST
  8. Don’t Come For Me
  9. Letting Go
  10. Broken
  11. One Good Reason
  12. Eyes Roaming
  13. In That Moment…
  14. You
  15. Too Fast
  16. Spotlight
  17. Our World
  18. How We Celebrated Christmas
  19. Everything
  20. One of Them
  21. Our Favorite Song
  22. END

Too Complicated

I’m not supposed to be grieving

My Baby wasn’t supposed to pass

How did this happen

How did I wind up counting dead roses

How did I wind up being reminded of proper funeral decorous

I can’t explain what’s going on

Something happened when that boy came along

That boy who started dating my firstborn son…

What has that boy done?

I’m not supposed to be burying my Baby,

Shouldn’t be standing by a pile of dirt with no one to clutch my hand

I shouldn’t have ice in my heart over my pride and joy as I hold his jersey

How did anything ever go wrong for us

How did a present, devoted, loving mother and a smart, strong, sweet boy end up here

How could God let us find ourselves in a cemetery we have no way out of

I can’t reconcile this horrible day with real life

Something went terribly wrong

When that boy came along

I’m not supposed to find myself sobbing, weeping, and doing nothing else

It was all so nice a week ago, throwing big parties

I shouldn’t be making a speech about my son in front of everyone

He supposed to be grounded for when his music rattled the room and got the cops called

But he’s not home, he’s supposed to be with me but he’s not

How did that boy who’d been so polite to me bounce into our lives and end everything good

Everything was wonderful like a Hallmark card

Until that cursed boy came to tear it apart

How? Why?

Why, why, why?

Cross My Heart

Cross my heart and fully hope to die,

Everything about me is a lie.

We can teach one another how to soar high,

But everything you know about me is a lie.

Cross my heart… The real truth…

All I ever wanted was somebody to love me

All I ever prayed for was my guardian all free

I don’t need or even want any of this stuff

I don’t need to do or say crazy things

Cross my heart… The real truth…

I’m selfish enough to ice out emotions that last

And sometimes I get wrapped up in loathing

My legs are busted up, scratched, and bruised from furniture

I’ve never experienced any of the magical or adventurous movie things

Cross my heart… The real truth…

I’m only cold because it’s the only way I know

I only act because it hurts way too much to think

I get wild all the time because I’ve got nothing to lose

I look ragged because the world doesn’t let me not be

Cross my heart… The real truth…

On God’s name, I swear it

I am not the person you think I am,

I’m a rock in that person’s shadow

And soon to be a rock in your show

Cross my heart… The real truth…

I cross my heart and hope to die,

These words are more of the real me

Than I have ever let you actually see

I cross my heart and swear on God’s name:

This is the truth, and it will kill me.

My Story

She bled to death in my arms

When I woke up that morning

I just knew…

This is the day we lose her…

So I jumped out my window

And I ran, ran to her house

But I was too late

The moment before I opened the bathroom door…

It was the among the most terrified I have ever felt

My heart beat up my gut

And twisted and shook,

Kicking and screaming like there was no tomorrow

I didn’t there to be a tomorrow,

Didn’t want there to be a today

But I opened the door anyway

And there she was

In a pool of her own blood

Wrists turned up with dark marks

And her head was back, just rolling

Her eyes were still wide open

And I watched the light fade from them like a dimmer switch

Agonizingly slow

And I just remember screaming……… screeeeeeeeeaming

She was agonizingly cold

So cold…

She was never perfectly still

I tried to put pressure on the wounds and wrap her wrists

Eliminate the blood flow I felt pouring from my soul

And that’s when her baby brother came in

And we were both on our knees,

Sobbing

He looked up at me and he said

“Why would she do something like this?”

What was I supposed to say

How was I supposed to tell this innocent but broken child

That I knew everything…

Everything

Every… word

Every… action

Every… name

Every… date

Every… scar

Every… thought

Everything

I couldn’t even speak to that boy

And he took that as an answer

So he kept his eyes on her not me

As I pulled her into my arms

And her as close as I possibly could

And I swear it was like she was hanging on

There was just the tiniest motion,

But it was real and she was there, I swear it

She squeezed my hand ever so faintly

Like an infant clutching at its mother with the strength, it does not have

And her breathing was slooooooow but it was a constant and it was there

To this day I don’t know what went wrong

But, my god, did it ever

She must have had a seizure

It was like she was just spazzing

Her body was flailing all over the place, uncontrollably

And her face…….

My god

I will never, ever be able to forget the look on her face

But then it was over,

It was over

She flopped down one last time,

Flesh smacking hard against the tiles and going limp

She was limp like a dead fish

And my heart held only panic

As I tried not to let it register the infinite sorrow burrowing into me

And I held her head to my chest

But then my arms gave out and I had to lay her down

But I held her hand s tight as I possibly could

I refused to let go

And her sweet baby brother…

He saw something in that image of us

So he begged me

“Don’t ever let go

Because as long as you keep hanging on,

She will too”

And then we wound up getting her to a hospital

And this surgeon came running

But he soon stopped

He said to me

“This girl has about two minutes left to live

If you want to say goodbye, you better do it now”

And then he simply… abandoned us

But it didn’t matter

Because I was on the ground

Both arms wrapped round my quaking body

My hand had slipped from hers

When I realized it I lunged for the remains of her

And I held her tight

Pressing her hand into mine and bringing it to my lips

I heard a delicate sigh

And then…

Nothing at all

No… breath

No… heartbeat

No… light

No… energy

No… person

She was… gone…

Risk

Darkness blinds me

Brightness scares me

I’m not known for my courage

But I’ll take my chances.

Green

I’m ice cold,

Fingers numb and trembling

Heart achy and quivering

Legs whipped to bright red rawness

Skin itching and covered in goosebumps

My whole body burning at the freezing point

My brain malfunctioning… buffering

And my whole existence defiled, left scarred.

If only I hadn’t been wearing green the night of the traffic light party.

If only my dress hadn’t told that boy he could go no matter how many times my mouth told him to stop.

Desperate

You are desperate,

More broken than you ever thought it was a possible for a human to be

And you just need a hope that you’ll survive the hour

So you pop a pill

But it doesn’t have nearly the power you need

Not nearly enough of a kick to save you

So before you know it you’re taking two to get through the night, every night

And then three, four

But then a small handful

(well as small as you can get; you forced yourself to squeeze some of the large handful back in the bottle)

And then six, eight

But then you don’t even want to bother counting anymore

Because it’s 4:00 in the morning and you’re grappling with a bottle

Knowing you’re two hours away from facing your mom

And four from seeing your friends

But part of you has been pulling away from them, to cover up your… situation

But part of you is hoping they’ll follow, and see that you’re different, that you need help

And, all in all, you don’t know if you started out better than this or worse

You only know a few things:

You need as many pills as you can get but you need to make everything seem normal

You are desperate.

Big Reputation

Big unwieldy reputation

Everytime I take a step it’s a big conversation

But nobody ever wants to talk about the real me

And once upon a time I had someone by my side

But I learned long ago real friends are hard to come by

Well, if good people are hard to find that must be why trust is even harder

Big unwieldy reputation

And people who want to play like adults but are scared like children

Because they’ve learned nothing in life is ever, not even close

And they know every move you make enlarges your reputation

No, no, no, it doesn’t matter if it’s true

It matters if it’s good; it matters if it’s exciting

Because we are a ruthlessly sick crowd craving a taste of excitement

Which is why we all get left with a big unwieldy reputation.

Big unwieldy reputation.

TRUST

I am a witch burning at her social stake

Who has spent too long just striving to breathe

And so I’ve managed to teach myself

Some people can’t be trusted

Can’t be trusted at all

I’m done letting myself waste time with all this hurting

So I’m finished with all this blindly optimistic trusting
Instead, I think it’s time to show them what a real witch is.

I am a witch burning at her social stake

Who has spent too long dodging the pitchforks

And so I’ve managed to get good and things

Like running, and hiding,

Reading people and situations

I’m done letting myself hide from the light

So I’m finished with this blindly fearful trust

Instead, I think it’s time I took over my life.

No more fear and no more trust.

If I’m supposed to be a witch,

I will be a witch for them,

And however I want to,

I will show them what burning is.

Don’t Come For Me

I don’t care if you think you can save me

I don’t care if you think you have the right to change me

I don’t care if you think I’m scary or crazy or whatever

I don’t care if you think I’m someone for you to change, to control

You don’t get to come for me

Don’t try to come for me

Don’t even think about coming for me

Don’t you come for me ever.

I don’t care if your circuits are blown by being in my presence

I don’t care if your friends are coming for you over what I am

I don’t care if your hormones are raging out of control

I don’t care if your systems are screaming in a desperate need to lash out

You don’t get to come for me

Don’t try to come for me

Don’t even think about coming for me

Don’t you come for me ever.

Do you understand now that not everything is about you

Do you understand now that you don’t get to run me

Do you understand now that I’m no toy for you to play around with

Do you understand now that causing strife by minding my business helps no one

You don’t get to come for me

Don’t try to come for me

Don’t even think about coming for me

Don’t you come for me ever.

Letting Go

You might think I’m still that sweet young girl

Sitting around, combing her hair, baking cookies

And waiting patiently for the blessing of your love.

But as usual, you’d be so wrong.

I’ve got a new man with me

And he’s actually by my side, giving me his hours.

He opens up his soul to me and he earns my heart.

So here’s to what we were, and cheers to you

Because staying is nice, but…

Letting go is an even nicer thing to do.

Letting each other go was the best thing we ever did

And severing all ties wasn’t as easy as it should’ve been

But I was done with how you gave love to the highest bid

And now I’ve got a brand new, golden lover in my linen.

Broken

Let me love you, her luscious lips whispered.

Let me leave you, her bedroom eyes bellowed.

Let me own you, she insinuated to me.

Let me run you.

Let me break you.

I should have listened.

I should have loved her.

Let

Me

Love

You.

“Are you drunk?”

She hangs up.

One Good Reason

Give me one good reason, any at all

Why killing the silence will work this time

Then I will give this world one more chance

To not hurt me when there is no silence to safeguard

I will kill the silence, just give me one good reason to try

Everytime I let someone in they cut even deeper than the time before

But if you give me a reason to kill of the sacred safety of the silence I will try

I will try to trust, to have hope, to let go of all the hurt from the past, to move on

I just need one good reason why I shouldn’t remain tucked in the embrace of silence

And I will venture back out into the world with arms wide open and the door to my heart unlocked

Give me a reason to kill silence.

Eyes Roaming

Eyes roaming the room of riches

Like a tiny dancer bouncing on the air

Eyes roaming round and round and round

Like the florid horse on a beach-town carousel

Eyes roaming round the room of riches

Like someone getting ready for a takedown

And those took me down.

In That Moment…

Summer’s sweet sensuality slipped us a cocktail

Of “you’re my soulmate” and “you can fix me”.

Some flirty to spice it up,

Some sexy to make it addicting,

And a gallon of all-consuming connectivity.

It took one moment for your heart

To be superimposed over mine, and vice versa.

It took one moment for you to forget all but me

And for my mind to forget I was ever alone.

It took one moment for us to find love.

Our eyes met

And in that gaze we held each other

Until that moment became a lifetime.

We talked for eighteen hours straight

Until that moment was our whole lifetime.

And you don’t even have to try to be perfect for me

Cause I don’t even have to hide any of me from your love

We fit seamlessly together, our flaws tying up each other’s loose ends

My dreams and your hopes, they complete the future that is our destiny

But I’m far too caught up in our moments to really know, ain’t that right?

You

I want to know you like the path to the Heavens that pulls me toward all things good and bright

I want to feel you like the kind of passion that burns and devours soul after soul in all-consuming fire

I want to touch you like these shaking fingers have never experienced anything from your world

I want to hold you like that breath that will remain with me even when it’s long gone like you

I want to have you like we can make ourselves believe there is nothing to life but you and me

I want to breathe you like my lungs are giving out but holding on all at once

I want to do you like a narcotic I’ll overdose on before anyone even knows I’m over my head

I want to love you in that indescribable way everyone calls ‘true’, a way I’ve never known love before

I want you.

Too Fast

You became my everything

Only you did it way too fast

And now the world is in chaos mode

Because I’m not used to being in love

And I don’t know how to be yours the way I want to be

I don’t know where the boundaries are, how to know…

The only certainty is that I love you,

And even Romeo and Juliet had that

But I don’t want us to be anything like them,

I want to keep you and cherish you forever

I’d hate letting you or our love slip out through my fingertips

The thing is, I’m not used to having a love a could hold

This all happened so fast, way too fast for me to even understand

Can you understand all this?

Here’s to our love thriving like this for a whole lifetime,

But even more importantly,

Here’s to us understanding the care and keeping of true love.

Spotlight

Put a spotlight on me,

Let it slide slow, down my skin.

You can have me for free,

If you let the show sink in.

I can dance for you, honey,

Put a spotlight on me.

You make all my days sunny,

So I can set you free.

If you’re ready to live to the fullest and be fulfilled,

I’m ready to satisfy your cravings like chocolate.

All you have to do is tell me: real raw or finely milled?

Give the word and you’ll have me stripped down to just my locket.

Put a spotlight on me,

And I’ll put a spotlight on you.

Give you whole heart to me,

And I’ll give my whole heart to you.

Our World

The diamond ring on my left hand

Sparkles when the light touches it;

And I didn’t think that anything

Could make me this happy.

But the diamonds glisten,

And in fact I know happiness

Like I have never felt before.

It’s like my past with all is crazy troubles

Doesn’t even matter anymore.

There is only the future,

And no longer is that future only me.

Now that a simple diamond is resting with me

It feels as if nothing could be wrong in our world.

How We Celebrated Christmas

Here’s a story I never imagined I’d tell.

On the morning of the 26th

He drove me to the beach

So we watched the sunrise over the sea

Then he treated me to breakfast

And took me shopping at all my favorite stores that are still open

Then we walked around and smelled the scents of the beach town

We finally got to the bay just in time for the sunset

Which is where we took romantic pictures

And- maybe the best part-

He took me to favorite restaurant,

When I asked him how he knew about it

He said he’d gone back three years of instagram posts to find it

But he didn’t let me get dessert

Instead he took me to our favorite fudge place

Which was where he’d customized my perfect fudge for me and bought three pounds

And because he’d been taking me places all day

All I could think was

Take Me.

When we woke up the next morning,

He had a mischievous glint in his eyes

And he asked me what I wanted to do that day

So I said

“You’ll find out”

I took him to NYC

And lived like tourists all morning,

Roaming around Times Square after lunch

And then!

We went back to his penthouse

And I cooked him lasagna and vegetable stir-fry with just as much cheese sauce as veg

Followed, of course, by a not-too-shabby baked alaska

And we spent the rest of the night in a Netflix and chill (Love Actually)

Except for the parts where we lost all chill

And that is how you do a couple’s Christmas.

Everything

He wrapped his arms around me, laid his sweet head on mine, whispered

You are my everything,

From my sun, moon, all stars, and all the space in between

To all my dreams come true and all my hopes in my hands

To my past, present, and future to the gifts filling my life,

You, Queen of My Heart, are my everything.

And with a tear from my right eye

Dotting a smile so big it hurt,

I told him what he is to me.

One of Them

Of all the people who could possibly die,

You’re not allowed to be one of them,

I’ve lost way too many people,

I’ve spent too many years all alone.

But now I have you to send me sparks

And be the stars in the darkest night’s velvet sky

I can’t lose you.

Of all the people who could possibly die,

Of all the people this goddamn war could possibly take,

You’re not allowed to be one.

Our Favorite Song

I don’t deserve this,

Slow dancing to the soft caresses of our melody

With your bare arms wrapped ‘round my neck

And your chest held to my pounding heart.

I don’t deserve this,

To be in the center of your love-filled moments

And be the hand you squeeze in the dark

Or the name you call in the night.

But, here we are,

Head over heels in love

And dancing in the stillness of a rural night

So I kiss you again and again

Because I don’t deserve to be loved by you

Even though I love you too.

That’s why we don’t ever need to stop

Making love to our favorite song.

END

I don’t want this to end,

This chapter is too good to leave behind

And I don’t know if what’s coming will be good or bad

So I don’t want this to end,

I don’t want to be forced into coming up with a goodbye

I just want to be wrapped up in everything that this is

I don’t this to end.

I write poetry, prose, and personal pieces. All images are mine unless indicated otherwise. Feel free to leave feedback on my work anytime; I hope you enjoy.

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