If there’s anything to know about me, it’s that I hate- and I mean absolutely despise- ignorance. Of course, I also loathe violation of justice, broken promises, bacon, soda, and- shiver- mint. But that’s all for another time, there should be enough material to really demonstrate how bitter and pathetic I am, it’ll be great. Now: I can’t deal with ignorance; I have very little patience for it. I think that’s a name option for the movie about my life: I Have Very Little Patience For It. I don’t do stupid people. Sorry, but that’s just me who feels that way about people who make you explain to them how 1+1=2 more than twice as adults. As adults.

As a matter of fact, when you eat one donut and then eat one donut, you have effectively consumed two donuts. When you befriend your Uber driver on the way to where you’re going and then make a friend on your way home, you’ve made two friends over the course of the evening. I know, I know, it defies logic; but, trust me here, it is accurate. Much like you are then equal parts fat and lonely, 1+1=2. But that’s not the point, is it?

Photo by Patrick Fore on Unsplash

And here’s the real kicker, seriously it will screw you over every day of your life: people are the actual worst, did you know that? So here’s how I realized that and, naturally, it started with me being made fun of. And then again, what life experience of mine didn’t? Now, let’s forget that anything comes before high school and ignore freshman year because I worked way too hard to block all of that stuff out of my mind. Picking up where I have faith in humanity when it comes to, like, five people: people will laugh at you everytime they notice you exist and their numbers grow at exponential rates. I mean, I knew there was this one kid who had an axe to grind through my life, but the next day I look and he’s the leader of a pack that didn’t exist last time I looked over so I’m just like “and who do all of you think you are??” I’m very bitter, that’s why I put so much sugar in my tea.

So, yeah, people suck and I especially hate when they like each other. Which makes sense because if they’re intolerable as individuals, they’re insufferable as a two-headed monster walking around like, “what’s this individuality you speak of?”

You know what high schoolers do to spend quality time together? They walk each other to their classes. Like, I was ten minutes late to class walking through this huge crowd of late kids coming from the assembly on drugs to our next lump of educational time. So I hear this girl, “I’ll be there in a minute, I just have to walk Michael to his class.” And I’m like, “Can Michael not walk himself to the opposite wing from the one you need to be in? Will he get lost if he’s not attached to you? Is that code for ‘let me walk him to the asylum cause he won’t let go of my hand more than once a month’.” I’m sorry, I just don’t really understand the process or the lifestyle of people liking each other.

Photo by Alex Iby on Unsplash

So that’s why I make fun of things. Which leads one of my friends to always tell me I should go for a career in stand-up comedy. I’m always like “My whole life is stand-up comedy and turns out people do not always laugh when they’re supposed to.” You know, much like they do laugh when they’re not supposed to. Alright, I’ll admit, I’m just a little bitter and I have my own ideas, sue me.

So what people always do is try to force their ideas on you. Like Election Day when I was walking around. I just wanted to get some food, by which I mean I needed water and was planning on buying something with it to disguise my true self, as one does. So this woman comes up to me like, ”Have you voted yet?”- a fair question at face value- and I replied very calmly and politely “No, I’m actually a minor,” so her feathers are ruffled right? So she’s super miffed at this point and instantly the friendliness is history so she practically yells, “Don’t be ridiculous, we all have to do our part!” I’m thinking “We all should do our part, provided it’s legal, don’t you think?” but that’s not where she was going with it. “Democracy must win out!” And I really wanted to tell her, “Democracy’s already won, that’s why we have elections. What we’re really doing here is debating political ideologies and actors to dominate that field until the next time we’re standing here,” so I did. Rudely, she marched away before I got to inform her the time to preach victory of democracy being important to this country’s welfare was in 2016 when an aspiring fascist dictator beat out a woman with experience and less evidence of serious issues.

Now don’t think that was a political joke. It was political context to prove my point: some people lack comprehension of the idea that not everyone will agree completely with their views. These individuals will see a crooked line and try to push it straight; this often means they bring a bulldozer right in their bag. They never get why it didn’t work out as planned.

Another thing people will do to you that I hate is that they will surprise you, which I hate of course because I hate everything in one way or another, but this is a reasonable point so I’ll give you some examples of what I mean. Now, you may have heard of a guy named Kevin Hart; well I was under the impression that Mr. Kevin Hart was a very tall dude. If you know anything about him, you’re laughing at me right now. That’s alright; continue to do so. As a matter of fact, I think I exist so people can laugh at me. On a more serious note, though, because it turns out I am multifaceted, I have another tidbit of life experience to share with you. People will surprise you and I hate it when they do that because you may think you know the guy you’ve been spending an absurd amount of time with for the past two years, but then he’ll say something completely out of character and then you’re forced to reevaluate everything and is that your fault? No! Nothing is, but here you are with a box of regrets.

I have a lot of regrets, mostly missed opportunities, but nothing really compares to the regrets that haunt me over whether or not it was the right choice to be born. Like, what kind of terrible decision-making process was involved in that mess? I’ve realized there’s actually nothing left for me to say about that. Because it wasn’t my fault; this event was but the first link in a chain of parenting stories. Like, the time they paid tons of money for me to be significant pain for 883 days running because suggestions were made to them by people they don’t know. And all for appearances sake. So for about three weeks I had perfectly straight teeth, but then they moved again. (Shrug.) I have dozens of ridiculous stories from my childhood that I won’t dive into at the moment because I’ve forgotten a fair few, but they shall come, fear not.

Another thing, though, is pretty fresh in my mind. In French class, we recently went over social problems and solutions; for example: le racisme and “enseigner la tolerance” which seems reasonable, I thought. But then it struck me- we’re going to teach tolerance? Not even acceptance, just talking to your kids like, “alright, not everyone in the world has the same skin color as you, but we’re going to tolerate them anyway”. Again, not acceptance, we’re striving for tolerance at this point; that’s where we are in society, ladies and gents. Like Michael Che once ranted, we should be past “Black Lives Matter”- why is there controversy over which races have the right to live past maybe sixteen and which don’t? (Also, I paraphrased that madly, no one quote me.)

“An overhead shot of a pink rose-like flower against a black background” by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

The goal is to have people tolerate each other these days, and I find that sad, but doesn’t it make sense that for a long time I didn’t believe in love? For several years, I fervently believed that love simply did not and could not exist. But one thing did challenge that notion: I believe in dogs and it’s really, really, really hard to not believe in love when you do believe in dogs. They’re just the greatest thing ever, you know? Like, dogs are bothered by the sight of people crying; they just can’t handle it, and they will not stand for it, ever. On the other hand, people love watching people cry; they find it really entertaining- makes footage, you know? I like to think I don’t deserve some of the people I’ve met because they made me miserable to cope with their own problems but I do deserve dogs. Self-love. But I believe everyone deserves dogs. I think we should all have at least one. And they should come everywhere with you. A dog and that dog’s person should come as a matching set, no questions asked. Can you imagine that, people being happy and dogs being all over the place like sunshine, if that was how the world worked? Who do I nag to make that a thing? Because I’m not trusting US government officials to achieve something that important.

But then again, girls can’t trust anyone. Guys are terrible but girls have a unique brand of crazy. Girls adore chilly weather but they hate being cold. They hate being cold, they really do. Now this is very important: if a girl gets hot, it’s all over. That’s why we love fall so much. You know why fall is the absolute best? Because we say it is! The outfits alone- oh my god, there are tears. Girls won’t clash outfits; it’s a disgrace to the female reputation and we will not stand for it. But we won’t directly match outfits, no. That is child’s play. No. That’s for stupid people who think “squad goals” is the same at 12am as it is at 12pm- hahaha ride or die babies. Please, sweetheart, the only reason they’re ride or die is because no girl with the will to live is going to walk home alone. Fall outfits are a carefully planned, coordinated, replanned, executed, and altered 92.37% on the three minute journey from “I’m ready” to “no I’m literally walking out the literal door literally as we speak”; this takes longer to unfold than Impressionism. Now the female standpoint on men is not so cut and dried as the getting ready to go find a man process but it is equally complex. How about I let you guys in on a little secret? You exist for our convenience? You may think it sucks, but when we’re doing some tai chi/yoga/Zumba crossover to reach the top shelf at Giant or Acme or BJ’s or wherever, we absolutely want to spend time with you. When we want to snuggle or get busy or decide it’s time we felt better about ourselves we turn to each other then our pets then you guys and you better be there in costume at your call time. And when we reach the finale, you better know it’s time to clear out and get gone post-haste or else. And people wonder why I have trouble with the concept of a guy and a girl genuinely enjoying each other’s company. If you’re one of those people, a) what are you doing and b) it’s because people are the worst.

If you’re religious, you may be foaming at the mouth with resentment for me right about now thinking “No, God made us in his image and therefore every human is a miracle” and I have no intention of getting involved in a theological debate. However, I’ll share this thought with you: God knows everything there is to know about humans; that’s why he ignores us and leaves us to sort out our own issues. And I know people see those things on Twitter about God answering every prayer with a) Yes!, b) not yet, or c) I have something better in mind; but I think there’s also d) you deal with it. Which I support, by the way. God is that parent who tells his kids, “you made a mess, so clean it up” and “you dug yourself into this hole, it’s on you to dig yourself out”, or “your problems, your solutions”. I think that’s wonderful parenting and we need so much more of it from actual parents here on Earth and Facebook groups- a different plane by the way. There’s Earth, there’s the internet, and there’s Facebook groups, specifically the moms in the local neighborhood group who consider everything they think up crucial to the survival of the city. And above it all, there is God, contemplating his life choices as we do when we find air in our lungs. I, also, regret the decision to bring certain lives into this world. Which means I relate to God, even though I can’t relate to people. Maybe that’s why I think people are the worst!

Photo by louis amal on Unsplash

Thank you for reading and please be sure to let me know what you thought.

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