Painted Portrait: Painful Places

My Story

She bled to death in my arms

When I woke up that morning

I just knew…

This is the day we lose her…

So I jumped out my window

And I ran, ran to her house

But I was too late

The moment before I opened the bathroom door…

It was the among the most terrified I have ever felt

My heart beat up my gut

And twisted and shook,

Kicking and screaming like there was no tomorrow

I didn’t there to be a tomorrow,

Didn’t want there to be a today

But I opened the door anyway

And there she was

In a pool of her own blood

Wrists turned up with dark marks

And her head was back, just rolling

Her eyes were still wide open

And I watched the light fade from them like a dimmer switch

Agonizingly slow

And I just remember screaming……… screeeeeeeeeaming

She was agonizingly cold… So cold…

She was never perfectly still

I tried to put pressure on the wounds and wrap her wrists

Eliminate the blood flow I felt pouring from my soul

And that’s when her baby brother came in

And we were both on our knees, Sobbing

He looked up at me and he said

“Why would she do something like this?”

What was I supposed to say

How was I supposed to tell this innocent but broken child

That I knew everything…

Everything

Every… word

Every… action

Every… name

Every… date

Every… scar

Every… thought

Everything

I couldn’t even speak to that boy

And he took that as an answer

So he kept his eyes on her not me

As I pulled her into my arms

And her as close as I possibly could

And I swear it was like she was hanging on

There was just the tiniest motion,

But it was real and she was there, I swear it

She squeezed my hand ever so faintly

Like an infant clutching at its mother with the strength, it does not have

And her breathing was slooooooow but it was a constant and it was there

To this day I don’t know what went wrong

But, my god, did it ever

She must have had a seizure

It was like she was just spazzing

Her body was flailing all over the place, uncontrollably

And her face……. My god

I will never, ever be able to forget the look on her face

But then it was over,

It was over

She flopped down one last time,

Flesh smacking hard against the tiles and going limp

She was limp like a dead fish

And my heart held only panic

As I tried not to let it register the infinite sorrow burrowing into me

And I held her head to my chest

But then my arms gave out and I had to lay her down

But I held her hand s tight as I possibly could

I refused to let go

And her sweet baby brother…

He saw something in that image of us

So he begged me

“Don’t ever let go

Because as long as you keep hanging on,

She will too”

Then we wound up getting her to a hospital

And this surgeon came running… But he soon stopped

He said to me

“This girl has about two minutes left to live

If you want to say goodbye, you better do it now”

And then he simply… abandoned us

But it didn’t matter

Because I was on the ground

Both arms wrapped round my quaking body

My hand had slipped from hers

When I realized it I lunged for the remains of her

And I held her tight

Pressing her hand into mine and bringing it to my lips

I heard a delicate sigh

And then…

Nothing at all

No… breath

No… heartbeat

No… light

No… energy

No… person

She was… gone…

Luna

You were growing inside of me,

Your existence blossoming from dreams, joys, and love.

You were keeping me alive yet,

Your heartbeat giving mine the will not to stop

You were the very best part of me,

The vanguard of my existence,

My greatest achievement,

The controller of my heart,

The sunlit rainbow of my hurricane

My lighthouse and my Luna.

You died a death that shook my earth

And drove my heart to a flaming agony

Luna my sweet

Luna, the angelic

Luna, the purest of love

Luna, beautiful and sweet and smart like your mother

Luna, brave and caring and strong like your mother

The only thought on my mind

The only hope in my heart

The only dream in my soul

The only wish on my tongue

My lighthouse and my Luna.

You were a secret I kept

But the thought of you made me scream with pride.

You were for me and me alone

But I loved you enough to fill up the world.

Land of Loneliness / Confessional

I feel so lonely

Breathing in this land of despair

There are so many things I want to try

So many places I still must explore

But I cannot do that if I must focus

On healing an empty and pained heart

And how can I heal in this land of despair

…..

This is a land of loneliness

Where no heart can find solace

Through a lifetime of seeking

This is a land of contempt

Where no hope can be seen

Though I continue trying to fight

This is a land of loneliness

Where all minds are rotten

Though love may still come.

…..

This land, in its barren darkness,

Has become a confessional

So here goes, I wish and pray

Confession number one:

I cut myself.

You’d never know,

As one of the reasons behind my choice of body part

Is that no one can see it,

But I frequently take a knife to my skin

And slash away.

I might be addicted to that feeling,

But you could never understand if you’ve never self-harmed.

Confession number two:

I hear voices in nature.

The trees in my backyard talk to me

More than most people do,

Whispering dark things

Straight into my deepest mind

The trees all around tell me things

About how I will commit suicide,

And when, and why, and on and on

They simply will not stop

And why would they?

Confession number three:

I am in love

With the ghost of a dream

Perhaps I needed someone

So desperately that my survival instinct created someone

Perhaps I got so goddamn tired of my constant loneliness

That I made myself someone who wouldn’t leave my side.

But there is a ghost who loves me

And I love my ghost.

Confession number four:

I have attempted to commit suicide several times

Most days I feel I’m hanging on by a thread-

One person I can’t leave quite yet,

One reason not to do it right here, right now,

One last event to keep holding on for.

But each and every day I work towards feeling better

Each and every day I desperately want to kill myself

And each day that I fail in getting better

Furthers the cycle I can never escape.

Confession number five:

I pretend to be happy,

But the people who are supposed to care about me

Never act like they do.

Well, they care about if I do the dishes when I’m supposed to

Or I’ve been studying hard enough

Rather than if I’ve tried to commit suicide this week

Or if I cut myself today.

They worsen the problem so often I feel like I can’t breathe

And they are so many of my other problems.

Welcome to the confessional.

You won’t find happiness here.

But perhaps you might absorb some comfort.

Welcome to the confessional.

You won’t find peace here.

But perhaps you might lighten your burden.

I write poetry, prose, and personal pieces. All images are mine unless indicated otherwise. Feel free to leave feedback on my work anytime; I hope you enjoy.

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