Collected Works by Brianna Duffin

I thought we were friends

I thought you were true

I thought you’d understand me

I thought you’d listen to me

I thought so wrong

Because you’re a liar

You told me you were fine

So I suppose you lied

You told me you did care

Then you were never there

And now I know better than ever

All you really are is a liar

I shared my mind with you

You dumped it, then flew

I showed you my entire soul

You showed your heart to be full

And now I know better than ever

All you really are is a liar

I wanted a real bond and yoke

You wanted a dirtier joke

I offered trust and support for you

Thinking you deserved it through and through

And now I know better than ever

All you really are is a liar

We used to laugh day in, day out
We made jokes and memories
We found kindred souls in us
We lit things up everyday
Now we don’t.

It’d be nice for you to acknowledge me
‘It’ was your best friend- do I exist now?
You refuse to speak to me
You don’t act like you know me
You’re cold and downright rude
So cruel and heartless these days
So not the friend I treasured
I was played, apparently.

Were you trying to be funny all this time
Was our friendship your practical joke
You clearly never valued my life
Or- as you called them- “my irrelevant problems”
Why did you think youth means joy?
Just because we’re a few months apart…
My problems are nothing
And yours are so great I could never understand
My mental health problems aren’t relevant to you
But yours should be my concern, because they exist
You’re the one who didn’t care about anyone else-
And you dare fire at me for that conversation?
You opened up to me ever so slightly about your pain
When I willingly reciprocated, you didn’t care
You’re the one who chose not to show empathy for your friend
You’re the one entombed in walls of steely, ignorant ice
And yet- I am the one who only thinks of her own issues

Well now you don’t think about me at all
So does any of our history really matter?
You stare at me blankly, how some stare at walls
I refuse to let you bother me anymore, how some zone out
My brain is finished with your sickness and vile psychopathy
And you are finished with pretending to be a decent friend
So none of it matters anymore.

It’s gotten to the point where she won’t speak to me
And I wouldn’t speak to her if she did
Already once I’ve tried only to be ignored
And I have decided I really won’t try again
It’s gotten to the point where I don’t want to see her
Not how I have no interest in hanging out
The point that I do not want to be around her
And she acts like she never sees me anyway

And yet there is not ill will
I bear none, I detect none
I want none, but I don’t know about her

She doesn’t care about me at all
And I really can’t say I care for her
What are we then
Not friends or enemies or strangers
Or are we strangers again
Can we be strangers again
After all this time, purely nothing
Not a thing to each other
I think I’d like that
Or maybe I’d hate it
Maybe both, I don’t know
But I do understand
That something we worked so hard to build
Shows no sign of itself nowadays
So it appears we are strangers again
Well, I suppose there’s a bittersweet tinge
To knowing it and feeling it

I wish I could see with new eyes
I wish I could remember what it looked like
I wish I could see what they do
I wish I could figure out what it is they see
When they look at me and find nothing

Because now it seems we are just strangers,
Complete strangers when we pass by each other,
Complete strangers when a friend needs another friend,
Complete strangers now for better or for worse.

I figured out this game we’re playing
The first to acknowledge
How we used to be best friends,
Before all that stuff you did,
Is the loser.
But what happens then?
What do I get for losing a sick, twisted game
After I lost a sick, twisted best friend?
Because going through that sure gained me some things…
Turned out great, don’t you think?

This game that we’re playing-
The one where we don’t interrupt the icy walls of silence building up,
Especially to remember when we didn’t interrupt the bubbling giggles-
It’s one designed to be played by two.
It’s made for a pairing like us, I see that now.
And now that I finally understand it for how it is,
We have a game to play.
Bring on The Game.

All of these poems are about loneliness and a struggle for understanding after the loss of a friendship. The pieces were originally published on hellopoetry.com where they’re still on my profile at https://hellopoetry.com/brianna-duffin/poems/

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