I’m Still Crying
She died five months and ten days
Ago, but sometimes when the phone
Rings with bad news, my first thought
Is still the list of her old health issues.
Sometimes when her face lingers in my
Mind, all I know is that I’m so tempted
To cry. I don’t want to break down, but
There are tears in my eyes still so often
And my mind was elsewhere when the
Therapist was talking about this. So
What do I do now? Where does God lead
Me when I can’t seem to stop grieving?
I don’t like to dwell on her death, I know
It was a release from all her pain and that
She is no longer suffering. But I’m still down
Here breathing, and suffering in her place.
And how I miss seeing her in her place.
Her house feels empty and I know now that
The holidays will be “weird” going forward.
Aren’t I an expert at lonely, haven’t I done
This before? Wasn’t this an expected loss for me,
Isn’t this a blow I should’ve been able to take?
But I still miss her voice, I miss her hands, and
I miss her eyes. They were warm and sweet
Even when they felt most empty and even when
She was in pain. Oh, how I miss her gentle eyes
And soft, loving spirit. She was like a dream to me,
I remember it more clearly now. I was the wish
Inside of a flower, she the hands that held me.
She held me close, ever so tight but ever so gentle,
She held me with reverence for my beauty as if
I was a miracle handed down into her hands from
The grace of God. She held me with a deeper love.
I miss the days when I was a child, I miss the days
When I was by her side. I miss the days when tears
Were not mine, just healed with the thought of her.
She was so good to me and I miss her more than I
Should, more than I thought I would, more than I
Really knew I could. The more I think, the more I
Cry because I miss the woman who was a part of me,
The foundations of my home. With all of my heart,
I miss her, but only when I breathe. Maybe it’s just nature
And maybe it’s coming from that sick part of me,
To have tears fall when there’s a hole in the ground,
But it’s covered now. So why can’t I let the tears go?
Thank you all for reading this emotional piece. The process of grieving is long and painful for many people, and I hope this can bring some comfort.