I’m Still Crying

“A group of red wildflowers.” by Milos Tonchevski on Unsplash

She died five months and ten days

Ago, but sometimes when the phone

Rings with bad news, my first thought

Is still the list of her old health issues.

Sometimes when her face lingers in my

Mind, all I know is that I’m so tempted

To cry. I don’t want to break down, but

There are tears in my eyes still so often

And my mind was elsewhere when the

Therapist was talking about this. So

What do I do now? Where does God lead

Me when I can’t seem to stop grieving?

I don’t like to dwell on her death, I know

It was a release from all her pain and that

She is no longer suffering. But I’m still down

Here breathing, and suffering in her place.

And how I miss seeing her in her place.

Her house feels empty and I know now that

The holidays will be “weird” going forward.

Aren’t I an expert at lonely, haven’t I done

This before? Wasn’t this an expected loss for me,

Isn’t this a blow I should’ve been able to take?

But I still miss her voice, I miss her hands, and

I miss her eyes. They were warm and sweet

Even when they felt most empty and even when

She was in pain. Oh, how I miss her gentle eyes

And soft, loving spirit. She was like a dream to me,

I remember it more clearly now. I was the wish

Inside of a flower, she the hands that held me.

She held me close, ever so tight but ever so gentle,

She held me with reverence for my beauty as if

I was a miracle handed down into her hands from

The grace of God. She held me with a deeper love.

I miss the days when I was a child, I miss the days

When I was by her side. I miss the days when tears

Were not mine, just healed with the thought of her.

She was so good to me and I miss her more than I

Should, more than I thought I would, more than I

Really knew I could. The more I think, the more I

Cry because I miss the woman who was a part of me,

The foundations of my home. With all of my heart,

I miss her, but only when I breathe. Maybe it’s just nature

And maybe it’s coming from that sick part of me,

To have tears fall when there’s a hole in the ground,

But it’s covered now. So why can’t I let the tears go?

Thank you all for reading this emotional piece. The process of grieving is long and painful for many people, and I hope this can bring some comfort.

…BRD…

I write poetry, prose, and personal pieces. All images are mine unless indicated otherwise. Feel free to leave feedback on my work anytime; I hope you enjoy.

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