I Took Your Matches Before Fire Could Catch Me And Here I Am Nursing Burns

I have been trying to forgive

I swear, I’ve been working on it-

No, I swear on my life, I have

But it’s going to take some time

Because the pieces of me that

He used as a punching bag (for

All that time when I fought in vain

In trying to defend myself from him)

Ready to implode and land in mini-disasters

All over the floor and somehow every wall

At even the slightest and gentlest of probes

Photo by Christopher Burns on Unsplash

It’s going to take some time for me to forgive

When I see him living his life to its very fullest

And I know he was entirely nonchalant,

He got to walk away from everything he did to me

Completely unaffected by all that happened

It will take some time to forgive when I still feel

Like I’m being watched at every corner and

Followed at every turn; when I still flashback

Almost every day to that one day when he decided

He would benefit from breaking into my house,

Raping me, maybe bashing my skull just for fun

If he felt like it, and then leaving to play some Xbox

And then that group of his lackeys followed me home,

Shouting at me that I belonged only to him

()

Photo by Paul Bulai on Unsplash

It’s going to take me a while to forget how angry and scared

It made me to know what they were doing because

Then, past the point where I had an answer for everything,

It had reached the point where I could answer nothing.

Even now the pieces of me that he a Jeep drove into,

Drove himself into over and over until there was nothing left,

Feel as if I simply never existed as anything but a victim,

A victim in waiting, a victim in the making, a victim alone.

I still feel like a hollowed-out corpse on some days

And a witch burning at the stake on others, even though

They’ve never actually burned witches before

So it’s just me, I suppose, the pairing of gasoline and match

The pieces of me are still finding their way home

And I hope more of them make it then don’t

Strangled like the sunshine was choked out of them but somehow

Still clinging to the last fibers of hope- not to be saved,

Just to live a little longer knowing the seconds dwindle.

I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I forgive- -

And I keep trying and trying and trying to forgive, I swear I do

I thought it was too soon, I thought we were too young,

I thought he wouldn’t hurt me quite that badly

I thought- but, screw it, because I was all wrong.

Now here I am trying to forgive, but it will take some time.

Photo by Matt Howard on Unsplash

They say with time it gets better but the time isn’t moving

They say with time it gets better but how would I know that

Because no one speaks to me and it hasn’t gotten better.

In all this time I’ve been waiting it hasn’t gotten better.

I’m afraid too much and it hasn’t gotten better,

I’m so angry and so sad all the time and it hasn’t gotten better.

I stopped feeling like my own person and it hasn’t gotten better.

I’m still here trying to forgive and forget but it won’t come to me

Every day that I work on myself, it all means nothing

And I’m just trying to survive, but wow, that’s really hard

And I’m worthless, useless, I’m weak and I’m empty and alone

And I’m trying to forgive, but a mission like that takes a lot of me

And my soul, in a C shape on the ground, has not a thing to give

Because even the bestowers of love and trust on the most unworthy

Can only lose so much before this world becomes a fight to forgive.

Photo by Anthony Rao on Unsplash

Thanks for reading this poem I wrote some time ago and only recently decided to publish because it felt so real to me. For more of my brand new works on Medium, check out these poems:

I write poetry, prose, and personal pieces. All images are mine unless indicated otherwise. Feel free to leave feedback on my work anytime; I hope you enjoy.

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