I Took Your Matches Before Fire Could Catch Me And Here I Am Nursing Burns
I have been trying to forgive
I swear, I’ve been working on it-
No, I swear on my life, I have
But it’s going to take some time
Because the pieces of me that
He used as a punching bag (for
All that time when I fought in vain
In trying to defend myself from him)
Still feel like shards of glass
Perched on a house of cards,
Ready to implode and land in mini-disasters
All over the floor and somehow every wall
At even the slightest and gentlest of probes
It’s going to take some time for me to forgive
When I see him living his life to its very fullest
And I know he was entirely nonchalant,
He got to walk away from everything he did to me
Completely unaffected by all that happened
Meanwhile, I have felt the goodness in myself
Being shredded from me and tossed to the wolves
As if a vacuum hose between my legs
Came, conquered, and discarded.
It will take some time to forgive when I still feel
Like I’m being watched at every corner and
Followed at every turn; when I still flashback
Almost every day to that one day when he decided
He would benefit from breaking into my house,
Raping me, maybe bashing my skull just for fun
If he felt like it, and then leaving to play some Xbox
And then that group of his lackeys followed me home,
Shouting at me that I belonged only to him
(And other things I wish to God my brain would release)
It’s going to take me a while to forget how angry and scared
It made me to know what they were doing because
Then, past the point where I had an answer for everything,
It had reached the point where I could answer nothing.
Even now the pieces of me that he a Jeep drove into,
Drove himself into over and over until there was nothing left,
Feel as if I simply never existed as anything but a victim,
A victim in waiting, a victim in the making, a victim alone.
I still feel like a hollowed-out corpse on some days
And a witch burning at the stake on others, even though
They’ve never actually burned witches before
So it’s just me, I suppose, the pairing of gasoline and match
The pieces of me are still finding their way home
And I hope more of them make it then don’t
Because I hate walking the streets to see withering flowers
Drained of all their life, and trampled on, gasping for air,
Strangled like the sunshine was choked out of them but somehow
Still clinging to the last fibers of hope- not to be saved,
Just to live a little longer knowing the seconds dwindle.
I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I forgive- I fake it thinking I might make it-
And I keep trying and trying and trying to forgive, I swear I do
I thought it was too soon, I thought we were too young,
I thought he wouldn’t hurt me quite that badly
I thought- but, screw it, because I was all wrong.
Now here I am trying to forgive, but it will take some time.
They say with time it gets better but the time isn’t moving
They say with time it gets better but how would I know that
Because no one speaks to me and it hasn’t gotten better.
In all this time I’ve been waiting it hasn’t gotten better.
I’m afraid too much and it hasn’t gotten better,
I’m so angry and so sad all the time and it hasn’t gotten better.
I stopped feeling like my own person and it hasn’t gotten better.
I’m still here trying to forgive and forget but it won’t come to me
Every day that I work on myself, it all means nothing
At night I push myself off the cliff of forgiveness
And in the morning I’m left not knowing if I’m worse or the same
And I’m just trying to survive, but wow, that’s really hard
And I’m worthless, useless, I’m weak and I’m empty and alone
And I’m trying to forgive, but a mission like that takes a lot of me
And my soul, in a C shape on the ground, has not a thing to give
Because even the bestowers of love and trust on the most unworthy
Can only lose so much before this world becomes a fight to forgive.
Thanks for reading this poem I wrote some time ago and only recently decided to publish because it felt so real to me. For more of my brand new works on Medium, check out these poems: